Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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