The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
