if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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