I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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