My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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