I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
