I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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