it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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