I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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