Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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