This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
