You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
