I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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