I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
