"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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