I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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