Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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