fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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