Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
