I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize