i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
