if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
