I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
