I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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