do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
