You just made me feel so damn special
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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