Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
