I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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