I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is Oprah even human
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize