im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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