My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
