Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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