After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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