hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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