guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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