I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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