my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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