I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
