im six kinds of drunk right now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
