She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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