i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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