I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize