since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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