I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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