: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
