Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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