My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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