i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
