Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
