I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
