I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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