He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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