Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
