I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
