So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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