Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
