I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
