So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
