also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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