Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
