when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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