I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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