...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
