WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
